Bill Hemmig
Etiquette for Gentlemen
[All text lifted verbatim from the book, The Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness; Being a Complete Guide For a Gentleman’s Conduct in All His Relations Towards Society, Containing Rules for the Etiquette to Be Observed in the Street, at Table, in the Ball Room, Evening Party, and Morning Call; with Full Directions for Polite Correspondence, Dress, Conversation, Manly Exercises, and Accomplishment, from the Best French, English and American Authorities, by Cecil B. Hartley (Boston: J.S. Locke & Company, 1874), and reorganized.]
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The teeth, nails, ears, and hair, are indispensable to a finished toilette. The best bath for general purposes is with a piece of sponge —the courser the better—and a few Turkish towels.
Where a man is supposed to lounge in the street, the frock coat of very dark blue or black, never long enough to reach the ankles, the shirt, whether seen or not, glossy boots, and a mere stick with no gold head, are indispensable. But as soon as you have left your mirror, forget your dress.
A gentleman in society must call upon any lady who has accepted his services as an escort for the return from a ball. A call may be made upon ladies in the morning or afternoon, but never before eleven o’clock in the morning. Always send up your card. A call should never extend more than fifteen minutes, and it should not be less than ten minutes. Keep your hat in your hand. Address to her only the language of compliment. If you have been enjoying a tête-à-tête with a lady, do not hurry away, as if detected in a crime. It is an art to make a graceful exit.
Nothing is more vulgar than sending invitations through the despatch, unless you have a mother or sister. When walking with a lady, no matter what may be their age and, however unattractive these may prove, give them the side nearest the house, in case of a sudden fall of rain. Never try to show off your driving, that the whip may not spring back and strike your companion. Leave her at the door of your hostess, and then take her to a seat.
Wit and vivacity are highly important, yet forced wit is in excessively bad taste. Never interrupt any one. Never gesticulate. Never speak of two persons who have withdrawn from the group.
Your first dance should be a few moments with the lady whom you accompanied. If one lady refuses you, do not go immediately to another lady. Do not devote yourself too much to one lady. Never dance without gloves. Give your partner your whole attention, and enquire whether she wishes to promenade.
When dinner is announced, the lady will follow you. Put your napkin upon your lap. You must be active in attending to her wants. To eat enormously is disgusting. Observe a strict sobriety. If you find a worm or insect, pass your plate to the waiter.
A lady will tell you when she is ready to go. Lead her to the hostess for leave-taking, and get your own hat. When you reach your companion’s house, do not accept her invitation to enter, but ask permission to call the following evening, and make that call.
A gentleman in society must call upon any lady who has accepted his services as an escort. A call may be made in the morning or afternoon, but never before eleven o’clock in the morning, or after a sudden fall of rain, no matter what may be their age and, however unattractive these may prove. The best bath is in the street, but as soon as you have left your mirror, make that call. The frock coat of very dark blue, a piece of sponge never long enough to reach the ankles, whether seen or not, and a few towels, are indispensable. Put your napkin upon your companion. Send up a mere stick by your mother or sister. Accept her invitation to enter as if detected in a crime. Keep your hat in your hand, but never dance without a mirror. A call should never extend more than a few moments, and not less than the following evening. Give your partner only nails, ears, and hair, with no wit and vivacity. Gesticulate. Interrupt any one who wishes to promenade. Do not devote oneself to attending to her wants. It is extremely rude, when engaged in a tête-à-tête, to make quotations in a foreign language. To eat enormously is the language of compliment. Lead her to two persons who have withdrawn from the group. Avoid personality; nothing is more ungentlemanly.
The tone of good company is marked by its entire absence. It is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization, and rejoice that the cruelties of the dark ages can never be perpetrated in these days and this country.
I maintain that they are perpetrated freely, generally, daily, with the consent of the wretched victim himself. If you find a worm or insect, observe a strict sobriety, that it may not spring back and strike your companion. It is an art to make a graceful
exit. Get your own hat. When you reach your companion’s house, leave her at the door. Strike your companion. Lounge in the street. Go immediately to another lady. Make quotations in a foreign language. The courser the better. Avoid good
company. Rejoice that The Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette is in excessively bad taste. It is simple nonsense. Make a
ceremonious exit. Try to show off. Forget
your frock coat. Your shirt. No
boots. Never. Nothing is more
vulgar. Avoid no not never under
no circumstances under
no never
under
no
Bill Hemmig is the author of the books Americana: Stories and Brethren Hollow, both published by Read Furiously. His short stories appear in Read Furiously’s three "Life in the Garden State" anthologies, The World Takes, Stay Salty, and Disco Fries & Scenic Drives. He has had stories published in, among others, The Madison Review, Philadelphia Stories, Pink Disco, and BarBar, and he is a three-time finalist in the New Millennium Writing Awards. He lives in Bucks County, PA.
