Joshua Wetjen
This Aquaman Costume is of the Utmost Quality and Fits Like a Glove
uncannycarl
0.5/5 stars
The crotch pulls hella tight—worse than discomfort but just shy of agony. My vitals obvious to passersby in bright lighting—embarrassing. Less visible outside the velvet rope in the alleyway entrance to the hipster Beacon Club annual Heroes Costume Ball!!! where I got stood up, though. Rachel. She ghosted me—no Halloween pun intended. I came on too strong, I assume. I got excited I bought this costume (on sale 30% off—Superman sold out) to compliment her as Wonder Woman. I texted her the tracking number and a photo of me and several vintage panels of rare Aquaman feats, like his legendary melee facing a Maarzon warrior. Then the ongoing pull on my crotch reminded me our lot in this life is to suffer. I rate half a star.
lsmith
no stars
Not at all like the recent film reboot starring Jason Momoa. A sh***y attempt of the old timey OG version with golden scales on top and green tights below. No one will get who you are. The scales aren’t scales, just curved lines.
jennys
4/5 stars
Bought this in kids’ size for my son who watches Super Friends on his iPad. He loves it. He cried when I said he couldn’t wear it to swimming lessons at the Y, tho. :-)
uncannycarl
5/5 stars
The polyester clinging one piece faded—after one wash the scales disappeared. What happened with it then—I needed one more layer to go paintballing in the woods—an invite from Rachel who I hadn’t heard from in a year since I asked her out. What’s great—the costume kept me warm under my jeans and flannel! What’s not great—Rachel kissed Max from the front office at my job before they got into his Subaru as I discharged my last round at my friend Rob who fell off a tree branch. Rachel drove away before I could say goodbye. Rob broke his leg. I helped him to his car and sat with him in the ER waiting room, because I possess a warrior soul. The costume of muted colors underneath my flannel kept me brave. Rachel texted: so great to see you today. Trying not to over interpret. Next week I’m doing a bachelor party in Vegas for my friend Tino. I’ll try it there. We’re going to a rave.
jeffw
3/5 stars
Runs small. The photo looks like it comes with boots. Nope. Tried Birkenstocks, then rainboots same color. Boots not bright enough to match. Worked ok. Fun to look like a DC legend. Deeper cut in the DCU :-( Like the other review said looks nothing like the recent movie.
uncannycarl
4/5 stars
I wore my trusty faded Aquaman suit and Tino and the other groomsmen wore Morphsuits in primary colors. Said I wanted to do Aquaman instead. Tino laughed. He’s used to me being on “another wavelength.” I Sharpied the outlines of the scales back on—pro-tip—this works if you have the patience. It took some time with the fabric stretching in my fingers, so I pulled it across my coffee table before packing the rest of my duffel bag. Walking down the strip back to our room some women having a bachelorette party laughed. One yelled “Save me Aquaman!” Then they all ran up into The Venetian. She was cute—short and blonde. She looked nothing like Rachel She did have a shiny pink balloon shaped like male genitalia reminiscent of the original fit from the costume, lol. FYI, it does get bigger with time and becomes less NSFW around the crotch. Tino weeping into my shoulder right before he passed out when we got back to the room—he loves Becca but is terrified. I assured him. I remembered the blonde bachelorette which made me think of Rachel. I drunk texted her me as Aquaman—nothing gross but just weird—so far from Atlantis and so far from you. I threw up the next morning and regretted the text, but I look pretty good! Been working out. The better you look, the better Aquaman looks.
jmylestherealmyles
5/5 stars
My kids don’t even know Aquaman, but they liked me in it. Fun to dress up to hand out Tootsie Roll Pops to kids trick-or-treating. We got a trident and a fake fishing net too! My wife wore a pirate costume with an eye patch. she was recycling my costume from last year. She should have been a mermaid!
r
0/5 stars
Flimsy fabric. Don’t jump over your neighbor’s hedges! :-(
uncannycarl
5/5 stars
Rachel never responded to my drunk text, of course. I did cry. I’ve been on other dates—I did go out for a while with Nina from the yoga class and Maura from the running group. Now I’m invited to Rachel’s wedding, which is costume themed… Max, now her fiancée, likes old Universal Horror movies and wants to be the Frankenstein monster and Rachel to be the bride. He’s nice but I hated being there recently when the three of us got coffee. Maybe I’m getting over Rachel, but it sucks putting it all in my face like that with her new guy who is taller than me and skinnier but probably not as funny (?) Then this happened—I got the number of a nice woman who was eyeing some vintage comics at hobby store on the same block. We struck up a conversation about the origins of Batman and The Shadow. This beautiful person, Andrea, knew some the stories in the original Aquaman series! “Aren’t we all trying to find our lost Atlantis?” she asked, winking. I don’t think I’ll make it to Rachel and Max’s wedding, much as they want me to be there. True story: I had the costume in my trunk, ready to give it to Goodwill before meeting Andrea. Didn’t feel right! After a couple years, the costume feels like my best outfit, lol. Seriously. It fits good. I need to keep it.
Joshua Wetjen is a high school English teacher living in Minneapolis and working in St. Paul. When not grading or chasing his two children, he likes to tinker on his jazz guitar and try new restaurants with his wife. His work has appeared in The Pinch, Newfound, and Yalobusha Review among other publications.
