Christina Ruotolo
Holding on to letting go
The buzz
cold against
your tender skull
salt and pepper
filaments
fall
the last time roots
will know a home
strands
dance
fly
silently to the floor
you scoop a handful
in your tired palms
seal the bundle
in a plastic sandwich bag
fast forward
ten years after cancer
ravaged you
the bags remains
unopened
sealed
hidden
in a safe deposit box
held hostage by me
I pray
the smell of you
remains inside
eventually
I’ll set your strands
free
and one day
your scent
the heart of you
will bring me back to life.
Triggers
The mind never forgets…
infant blood poisoned
with a mother’s addiction
smell of 80s hairspray
half-empty Dr. Pepper bottles
fifth of vodka nestled
under her pillow
a forensic, glazed stare
anything but motherly
strawberry blond hairs
on the back of a couch
she’s passed out on
as your feel the lighter
between three year-old fingers
the spark, Matchbox car
flaming down the plastic track
carpet burning, then smoke
you creep out the back door
afraid to wake her
addiction shouldering
the night you slept in
the backseat of a car
in an alley after a drug deal
windows steamed up
tracing circles on the glass
the loaded shotgun
pointed at your chest
as you try to save her
from another man’s wrath
the trip to the mall at fifteen
an argument over a gold chain
you learned to drive on I-95
addiction passed out behind you
the mind never forgets
images, baggage, smells
building, growing wild
until one day you
take your first sip too
triggers washed away
seeds planted
watered as you welcome
addiction home.
Christina Ruotolo is a poet, creative writing instructor and editor of Her Magazine. She was shortlisted for the 2019 James Applewhite Poetry award, runner-up for the Heart of the Pamlico Poet Laureate in 2021 and a long list finalist for the 2023 Fish International Poetry Award. She is author of the poetry collection, The Butterfly Net and the nonfiction book, The Day the Earth Moved Haiti. Her poetry and nonfiction have appeared in Wednesday Night Poetry, Petigru Review, NC Bards Poetry Journal, Gyroscope Review, Heron Clan, and various other magazines and journals.
