Max Polenberg
Separation Anxiety
I am an organ donor, and that should make me feel good
but I'm already so used to giving pieces of myself away,
That I'm worried my death would feel like an average afternoon
I wish I could remain selfish in death and stay intact for once–
each piece of me holding tightly onto the next
But that little mark on my license
stands as a sinister little reminder
that I may never have the privilege of remaining whole
But it's the right thing to do, isn't it?
Like when I gave my favorite pen
to that boy in my chemistry class
knowing I'd never see it again
even though he said he'd give it back to me
because that's who he is: the boy who loses pens
and this is who I am: the boy who gives him all my pens to lose
I Have Changed My Name Three Times, But I Still Don’t Know Who I Am
I have read the "Top 1,000 Baby Boy Names" twice over
But none of them suited me
Liam, Noah, Oliver
None of them conveyed how I used to cry at ASPCA commercials,
that I once tried to unlearn the English language
so I could remain a wild animal
not limited by 26 letters
James, Elijah, William
But I am tired from giving birth to myself
Life breeding life, you see
Is only sustainable for so long
Eating away like the snake with its tail
Henry, Lucas, Benjamin
I chase after myself
A version that can be put into words
Something tasteful and polished,
And easy to understand
Something I can swallow
and spit back up for you
Theodore, Mateo, Levi
But the words get lost in my stomach
They come back half-digested and mucusy,
Bloodied and mixed with baby teeth
'Cause I can't define myself
If I don't know who I am
Leo, Jackson, Mason
When I do nothing but wait
with my hands folded in my lap
For the tragedy of my being
To become heartfelt and alluring
I am waiting so patiently
to feel fully formed
Sebastian, Daniel, Jack
But there's no name here
that tells you what I'm too afraid to say
That I lie in my diary in case someone reads it,
change my name when I'm scared of my existence,
and try to unlearn the English language
so I can escape my own humanity
and the need for a name to introduce myself with
Michael, Alexander, Owen
Humanity between my teeth
is humanity nonetheless
So, I am trapped as I currently am—
my tail lodged in my throat
and needing a title to present myself with
So, I'll go back to the top of the list
Liam, Noah, Oliver
Max Polenberg is a 20-year-old college student studying creative writing at Hunter College. Writing since childhood, Max enjoys sharing his experiences as a transgender man. Find more of Max Polenberg’s work on TikTok: @givingthesinnerwings
